60年友谊，数百封信！54%女性靠深度倾诉建立超越爱情的幸福感

有趣灵魂说

真正的闺蜜是什么样？不一定有相同背景，也不一定天天见面。南希和黛比三年级相识，友谊延续60年。她们靠数百封信件分享学业、婚姻、离婚、经济困境，甚至生育的遗憾与理解。研究表明，女性更擅长通过深度倾诉建立亲密联结，而这种友谊带来的幸福感，有时甚至超越爱情。一封封信，让她们即使相隔千里，也从未走散。

What Sets Women’s Friendships Apart and Keeps Them Strong

女性友谊的独特之处及其持久之道

A lifelong bond, and hundreds of letters, between two women shows the importance of deep sharing

两位女性之间的终生情谊与数百封信件，彰显深度分享的重要性

Nancy Flury Carlson, left, and Debbie Holecko, then in their 20s, hamming it up in a photo booth against a backdrop of their letters.

左为南希·弗鲁里·卡尔森，右为黛比·霍莱科，当时她们二十多岁，在拍照亭里以她们的信件为背景，搞怪合影。

南希·弗鲁里·卡尔森和黛比·霍莱科三年级时相识，结成了一段非同寻常的纽带。她们背景不同，兴趣各异。黛比的父亲在工厂工作，南希的父亲是工程师。

南希去外地上大学，高中时参加了出国游学，后来有了孩子。黛比没有。她们不喜欢相同的音乐或电视节目，且已有60年未曾在同一个州生活过。

但她们是最好的朋友。“我什么都可以跟她说，”她们这样评价对方。

这种亲密无间和情感支持，是许多亲密友谊的特点，也常常是女性友谊的独特之处。男性也会分享，但程度不同。皮尤研究中心的数据显示，超过半数（54%）的女性极有可能或很有可能向朋友寻求情感支持，而男性的这一比例为38%。

同样，女性每周通过电话或短信与朋友联系的频率也高于男性。男性谈论体育和时事，而女性则深入个人领域，如家庭、健康（包括生理和心理层面）。她们更自由地谈论恐惧、悲伤、挫败和嫉妒。

分享这些感受能加深彼此的联系。亲密的友谊对我们有益，并能带来健康上的好处。拥有一个可以依靠和信任的人，能减轻压力，提升幸福感。

事实上，根据OnePoll受移动游戏开发商Wooga（其游戏常以女性角色为主角）委托于2025年对1000名美国女性进行的一项调查，有相当一部分女性（50岁以上者中占三分之一）认为，女性友谊比恋爱关系能带来更大的个人幸福感。

南希和黛比在小学时就情投意合，部分原因在于她们都安静、笨拙且个子高。她们会为同样傻气的事情发笑，至今依然如此。

几年后，当南希离开她们相识的地方——俄亥俄州扬斯敦时，两人开始在自习课和家里（趴在床上）几乎每天都写信。她们在高中和大学期间一直保持通信。

起初，信里满是关于她们的宠物、兄弟姐妹和新同学的近况，后来转向了更严肃的领域：学什么专业、嫁给谁、住在哪里。她们写下自己的担忧、遗憾、疑虑、离婚、经济困境（支票和储蓄账户里只剩35美元）以及孩子高烧到104华氏度（约40摄氏度）的事情。

这些信件是头等大事。黛比记得，自己会确保先给南希写信，再去写大学的论文。有些信长达五页。

堪萨斯大学传播学教授杰弗里·霍尔表示，真诚、坦诚的交流才是建立亲密关系的关键。不一定是五页长的信。他说，短信或电子邮件同样有效。

重要的是要定期这样做。“你必须坚持下去。”他说，大约40%的美国人渴望与朋友更亲近，但很难抽出时间陪伴他们。

那些把亲密友谊放在首位的人，会更深刻地体会到朋友对自己的意义。他们常常发现，小小的分歧并不重要。

黛比在四年级和五年级时在学校食堂工作，这样在她爸爸罢工期间她可以免费用餐。她没钱去外地上大学，也没钱参加大学社团，因为她课后要打工。南希可以，黛比喜欢听南希讲述这些事情，但并不感到怨恨。

“她上大学时比我拥有多得多的优势。事情本来就是这样，”黛比说，“我们没有让这成为我们之间的障碍。”

汉密尔顿学院研究社会关系的心理学教授基拉·威廉姆斯说，持续时间更长的友谊往往更能抵御小矛盾。“你在这些友谊上投入了大量的时间、精力和心血。你不想失去这笔投资，”威廉姆斯说。

接受彼此的不同也表明你不是那种只能同甘不能共苦的朋友，而是在对方需要时会伸出援手的人。

黛比离婚后，给南希写了一封杂乱无章的长信，倾诉自己多么内疚。南希迅速回信写道：“尽量不要为离婚感到内疚，试着不要把它看作一个错误，而是你生命中一段让你学到一些重要东西的几年时光。”

两人之间最大的差异——也是常常导致朋友疏远的原因——在于孩子：当一个女人有了孩子而另一个没有时。

黛比和南希曾同时怀上第一个孩子，并热切期待分享人生的下一个篇章。黛比怀孕不到三个月就流产了，那是她三次流产中的第一次。她最终没能有自己的孩子。南希则育有一女一子。

“我很难过。我知道有孩子是什么感觉，”南希说。黛比说这很难，但她从未感到不平或嫉妒。她是南希女儿的教母。

两位女士将她们的亲密关系归功于所有那些手写和打印的信件，以及通过它们分享的一切。在南希70岁生日时，黛比送给朋友一条项链，吊坠里镶着一个打字机上的换挡锁键。◾

Nancy Flury Carlson and Debbie Holecko met in third grade and formed an unlikely bond. They had different backgrounds and interests. Debbie’s dad worked in a factory. Nancy’s was an engineer.

Nancy went away to college, traveled abroad for a high-school class trip, and had kids. Debbie didn’t. They don’t like the same music or shows and haven’t lived in the same state for 60 years.

And they are best friends. “I can tell her anything,” they say of each other.

That level of intimacy and emotional support, a feature of many close friendships, is often what sets women’s friendships apart. Men share, too, but not to the same degree. More than half—54%—of women are extremely or very likely to turn to a friend for emotional support, versus 38% of men, according to the Pew Research Center.

Likewise, women connect more frequently with their friends on a weekly basis, whether through calls or texts, than men. While men talk about sports and current events, women dive into personal realms like family and health, physical and mental. They talk more freely about being afraid, sad, frustrated and jealous.

Sharing those feelings deepens bonds. Close ties are good for us and provide health benefits. Having someone you can rely on and trust reduces stress and enhances wellbeing.

In fact, a significant number of women, one in three of those over 50, believe that female friendships create greater personal happiness than romantic relationships, according to a 2025 survey of 1,000 women in the U.S. by OnePoll and commissioned by Wooga, a mobilegames developer, whose games often feature female characters.

Nancy and Debbie clicked in grade school in part because they were both quiet, awkward and tall. They laughed at the same silly things and still do.

When Nancy moved a few years later from Youngstown, Ohio, where they met, the two began writing letters almost daily in study hall and at home, draped across their beds. They continued through high school and college.

At first, the letters were filled with updates about their pets, their siblings, their new classmates and then shifted into more serious realms. What to study, who to marry, where to live. They wrote about their worries, regrets, doubts, divorce, financial straits— being down to $35 in a checking and savings account—and a baby’s 104 degree fever.

Their missives were a priority. Debbie remembers making sure she wrote to Nancy before tackling college papers. Some letters were five pages long.

Jeffrey Hall, professor of communications studies at the University of Kansas, says a thoughtful, honest exchange is what matters in creating intimacy. It doesn’t have to be a five-page letter. Text or email works, too, he says.

The important thing is doing so regularly. “You have to keep at it.” About 40% of Americans long for more closeness with friends, he says, but struggle to find time for them.

Those who do prioritize their close friendships gain a greater appreciation of what their friends mean to them. They often discover that small differences don’t matter.

Debbie worked in the school cafeteria in fourth and fifth grade so she could eat free when her dad was on strike. She couldn’t afford to go away to college, or join college clubs because she worked after classes. Nancy did, which Debbie loved hearing about but didn’t resent.

“She had a lot more advantages than I did going to college. It was just the way things were,” says Debbie. “We didn’t let that get in our way.”

Longer friendships tend to be more robust against minor conflicts, says Keelah Williams, a psychology professor at Hamilton College who studies social connections. “You’ve spent a lot of time and energy and effort on them. You don’t want to lose that investment,” says Williams.

Accepting differences also shows that you aren’t a fairweather friend, she says, but someone who is going to be there if you need them.

After Debbie divorced, she sent a rambling letter to Nancy, saying how guilty she felt. Nancy quickly wrote back: “Try not to feel guilty about a divorce and try to think of it, not as a mistake but as several years in your life in which you learned some important things.”

Perhaps the biggest difference between the two and one that often causes friends to drift apart is children: when one woman has a child and the other doesn’t.

Debbie and Nancy were pregnant with their first child at the same time and eager to share that next chapter in their lives. Less than three months into her pregnancy, Debbie had a miscarriage, the first of three. She never had children. Nancy has a daughter and son.

“I felt bad. I knew what it was like to have a baby,” says Nancy. Debbie said it was hard but that she never felt cheated or jealous. She is the godmother of Nancy’s daughter.

The two women credit all the written and typed letters and what they shared through them for keeping them close. For Nancy’s 70thbirthday, Debbie bought her friend a necklace with a pendant holding a Shift Lock key from a typewriter.